It has come to my attention that we need to embrace the inner child, hold her/him gently in our arms and hug her/him close. Fears of a child haunt most of us daily and we become fearful and filled with guilt and shame that we did something wrong. Why would someone we love and trust treat us abusively in any way or form? It has to be something we did to be treated badly a child believes. We grow up not able to like who we are because we believe we are not worthy of being loved. We struggle with the words in our mind that were screamed at us yesterday. We feel fearful that another will attack us. We are ashamed of who we are because we know we are not worthy of being loved or happy because of how someone has touched us inappropriately.
My advice to you today, as an adult is to look at yourself in the mirror and say “I LOVE YOU!” Look deeply within to your inner child and even if you cry let her know she is not alone and you are here for her. If you can love you as you are and forgive yesterday’s pain you will be one step closer to healing. Forgiveness of self is first and with that comes love of self.
I imagine how scared a small child of any age must feel if they believe they are unloved. Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, and Teachers have this ability to take a child’s innocence away from them by their words and actions. But no matter what you were told or what was done to you … You have done nothing wrong! Abuse leaves its scars on your soul and fills your head with fear and pain. In dong so, we grow up fearful, unforgiving and filled with anxiety.
I believe personally that my mom was terrified of my dad when he was drunk or even sober because she never knew when the attack would begin at her. She knew he would never attack me and at nine years old she would wake me up to take care of him while she hid with my brother. She would cook him eggs and somehow the frying pan, dishes and glasses would be thrown against the kitchen wall and she would run. She was clueless to how I felt or even if I was afraid. In its way her behavior made me stronger, this little girl knowing she could help her daddy and her mom could not. Today I can imagine that little girl at times depressed, filled with fear but knowing in my heart my dad loved me. However, I have struggled most of my life with knowing if my mom loved me. Just as she was afraid of my dad she was afraid of me, I believe.
Praying, my belief in God and the Angels, Journaling and meditating among my other rituals has offered me a safe haven for the little girl within to travel to. I have healed simply by the fact that I have looked into my eyes and I have seen the fingertips of my inner child holding on for her life about 25 years ago. I gathered her in my arms and gently I have told her how very special she is and that as a child of God’s she is unique and worthy of her life. This may seem unbelievable to many but all that inner child needs to know is that she is not alone, she is loved and she can be anything she wants to be no matter what another has done to her. In forgiveness of self we forgive another only because the past cannot be changed. I personally look back on my life growing up and savor the good times, the memories of going to Coney Island, a park, and walking around New York City with my dad. The difficult painful yesterday can no longer touch me because I have learned from the pain and fear. I have learned I am worthy of being a woman who is capable of being loved. I am happy, I am blessed. I am grateful for my mom today because I accept her with her fears and know they are hers and not mine.
It is difficult to live with our past at times but when we delve into knowing who we are today and release that which no longer serves us we can find love and joy daily by taking pen to paper and writing how we feel today and how we felt yesterday. No one can love you as much as you can love yourself. So go for it!