HE WAS MY DAD …

IMG_8504

“I thank you for your part in my journey…”

As the only daughter of my dad, I cherished him. Today, I miss him and his wisdom. I imagine he did not have an easy childhood and one I cannot ever imagine. Born in 1927, he lived until 1998 when he died of lung cancer. He was 70 years old. His struggles were many.

img_4194

Abandonment, alcoholism, and mental illness. Dad grew up during a time that I was unaware of but heard of; that his mom at 16 gave birth to him and then left him on a stoop at the age of four. That is where his issue with abandonment took off. His father’s sisters raised him. He grew up with hand me down clothes and toys from his cousins! He never felt loved. His dad who worked on the docks of New York City was never there for him.

He told me of working nights at American Beverage Soda Company and how they wanted to give him a 25 cents raise once, but he felt he was not smart enough to be a manager. For 25 cents though, dad could get a can of soda and a sandwich he said. He liked beer at an early age was drunk lots of times but happy at those times, it seemed to me. I had no clue these episodes were what today is called ‘dysfunctional.’

“I thank you for being the reason I smile …”

As a child, I only knew what went on in my house and had no idea of what a normal, happy home life I did not have. Fear was part of daily existence when he was drinking, but the memories I choose to cherish are when he was not drinking. There is ugliness in life, but we can eliminate that which does not serve us today. We can pick what we want to remember. I felt loved by him, and that is the greatest of my memories.

img_4133

He sang drunk at weddings, and my mom would drag me into the ladies bathroom and hide because she was embarrassed. Alcoholism would be passed down to him from his family. And so the story moves forward. Married young to my mom, they would raise my brother and me to the best of their ability.

I was blessed to have missed the gene of addiction. I feel all through life our connection was about his wisdom and how I decided somehow at a young age to love my dad unconditionally. I felt he was the way he was because of his childhood. Today I know we all have our stories and in sharing them, we may help another. I trust that the Universe waits for our reaction to the experiences during life and how we decide to live our lives. Choosing love or fear is always our free will in all situations.

The mental illness did not arrive until he was forty years old when he heard voices to murder his family. Instead, he slashed his left wrist and neck. Years later, he told me he could not see himself harming me. He would laugh and say if he had murdered all of us, he would have served 25 years in prison and then would have been free. I guess he never felt free in life and that troubled him. He survived his attempt at suicide but was deformed and never worked again.

img_4235

I was heartbroken to the depths of my soul, my mom was terrified, and my brother started his addiction process. The journey began with him going in and out of mental institutions like Creedmore State Psychiatric Hospital, and different psychiatric wards. I was there for him with my husband for thirty years after my mom finally divorced him. He nicknamed me ‘mom’ and ‘author,’ and we would laugh about this. He always adored me and wished his mom was more like me. The reason he called me ‘author,’ was because he wanted me to tell his story. He was very interested in human behavior and all the people who were ill that he met throughout his life. He believed that there was a reason for everything that happens.

The lung cancer that killed him had started 58 years before he died. Through it all he loved life. He worshiped Mother Nature and her beauty. He was addicted to her ocean, pools, and parks. He never drove a car and walked everywhere or took mass transit. He was wise, fun and wanted to be loved. It was my job to love him, and I did with my entire heart and soul. This Father’s Day he is gone nineteen years, and I think of him often. Individual songs that he sang when he was drinking pop on in the strangest of places at restaurants, and we say, ‘hi!’ I smile in acknowledgment of his presence.

“Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me …”

“Dear Future, I am ready now …”

His life may have been traumatic, but it never allowed him to feel sorry for himself. He loved music; all kinds, playing cards, whistling, worshiping the sun, walking outside and listening to the radio. Movies and Elvis Presley and other stars of his era were his favorites. These are my memories of a man who I had chosen to be my dad, and I would like to thank him for being the best dad ever.

image
LOVE IS ALL THERE IS…

His love of me allowed me to feel cherished and special even though he was scorned by many as a mentally ill person in our society. There is sadness in how his battle in life was to encourage me to be the woman I am today and what a sacrifice he chose for me. I am his proud daughter because of him. I am who I am today because of him.

As a society, we need to accept everyone’s story and embrace one another with kindness and love. It is not difficult to be there for another who you have manifested as a being in your life for a reason. We are born to learn from one another as well as teach one another during our life experiences. Was it easy at times, no! But! He was my dad!

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is “Thank You,” it will be enough …”

Happy Father’s Day to the many fathers with their issues, addictions and unbalanced behaviors. Please know that, you are loved!

Pray! Meditate! Journal!
www.LindaAmato.com

LA BELIEVES …

LOVE BEINGS

Love is an emotion that fills us with joy. This joy is our happiness when we are filled with Love for another; our family, friends, job,  home, possessions. But, what about how we Love ourselves? We are Love Beings but yet we are miserable, sad and unhappy when we are not in a loving relationship, dislike our job and believe we need more stuff in our lives to make us happy. At times we feel overwhelmed by the life we have created! However, if we Love who we are, as we are, shouldn’t that be enough and everything else would fall into place? As a society we believe if we are not in a loving relationship to complete us something is missing in our lives. We seem to be under this impression that we are lonely and alone because we are not good enough or worthy enough. We lack something personally because we are missing the most important aspect in life which is a loving, supportive mate to share our existence with. We begin to crucify ourselves for not being good enough, thin enough, pretty enough or capable enough because there has to be something wrong with us. We are lonely! We are alone!

 

With this inner ache suffocating us we cannot comprehend life without another. Why?

I believe that we need to remember that each person in this society comes with their own agenda and their own childhood, as well as, their own personal contract with God! Love is this emotion that has to simply be the root of who one is. Many of us are wounded by our past, the words spoken to us from our parents or any negative, abusive behavior that we have endured. Yet, those who have abused us were taught themselves to abuse by how they were treated. We wear our abuse like a life preserver and choose to float through life and sometimes even sink to the deepest depth of despair. We are a society of generational beings who abuse ourselves because another has abused us. Words planted like seeds to grow float around our minds for years. The inner child screams at the self in fear, guilt, shame and grief because of the lies, illusions and attachment to a life empty of Love.

Everyone at one time or another is in a realtionship that fills them with happiness one moment and then disappointment. Many of us cry, laugh, support and encourage those we love but then feel we are not supported or encouraged in life. Life is about the cherished moments and difficult times. I believe that in any relationship there MUST be respect, for another’s space, one Must keep their individuality to know their truth. Everyone is good at something, do what you are good at and life will flow. Choose to be happy by connecting to your truth. The bottom line is that we are all doing the very best that we can and yet we attack one another for memories of moments from our past that ignite a pain. The triggers of the mind are the ego holding on to that which is done. You are not that child today and you can have your own voice now. We are all One and there is a consciousness to life that we all add to – choose your thoughts, words and actions wisely because they affect us all!

How can anyone Love another if they cannot Love themselves?

Who is not addicted to something?

Who has not been abused at one time in life?

Who has not been betrayed or themselves betrayed another?

Who has not despaired over another?

Who has not felt responsible for those they share their life with?

Who has not blamed themselves for everything wrong in their lives?

Who has not blamed another for everything wrong in their lives?

Who has not felt like a victim, slave or prostitute at one time?

I believe we do not lack anything and what is most important in life is to Love oneself, set free the belief that you are not complete so that you can surrender to your agenda. There are no mistakes, no accidents or sin in life. Everything happens for a reason. We create our tomorrow today by our thoughts, words and actions. Choose what you want to create carefully by releasing that which no longer serves you from your past. To be happy, joyful and whole one must be who they are! We are all Love Beings, believe this is so…

Pray, Meditate, Journal

www.LindaAmato.com