THE MEMORY OF HER HANDS

 

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“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage…” – Lao Tzu

I am amazed at the thoughts and images that pop into my mind since the passing of my mom. It is shattering to realize the truth of death, the final vision of the person I loved. It is three months the day after Mother’s Day as her ashes sit on my mantel. Her wish to be placed in the water on the way out East that we travel in our boat. Still, I am not ready to let her go again. It comforts me her being here even if it is just her ashes. This process is a sharp cut to my heart; death, ashes, placing them in the water! Emotionally even if in my heart I know she stands right by me on the other side of the veil.

“Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life.” – Sophocles

For some reason, it is her hands that I remember most. I can picture in my mind her slender fingers, manicured nails. Later in life, she would hold her index fingers up crippled from arthritis. So crooked she would tell me they hurt as she tried to straighten them but couldn’t. I can remember we held hands whenever we were walking side by side somewhere. Our fingers laced together – her fingers so cool to the touch I now recall.

As her daughter, I am witness to seeing her in me at times. A flash of insight or quick look or glance in a mirror as I walk pass. I smile at these times to myself, that yes I am her child. Sometimes the simple way I sit when watching television or drink from a cup recalls to mind a picture of her. She was twenty years older than me. I can remember her as an amazingly young woman at heart.

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Since her transition, I have been delving into my life growing up with her as my mom. I’ve asked a few questions of myself and have come to know some interesting aspects of her and who I was to her before the onset of dementia. As a metaphysical practitioner, I know of the power we possess to manifest our lives by our thoughts, words, and actions. We are powerful in manifesting everything we want and do not want in our daily lives. We do not realize the strength of our personal beliefs.

Metaphysically dementia’s probable cause and belief is a refusal to deal with the world as it is. Hopelessness and anger. If only my mom had chosen to believe she was in her perfect place and that she was safe, I wonder how free she would have been of her nightmares all of these years. Her anger was part of her fear that she imagined due to the losses in her life.

I only recall the stories she chose to share of her childhood, her belief in God and for years her nightly reciting of the rosary. Not having a wealthy upbringing and being one of nine children during a very different time in life than how she raised me, I praise her today for doing the best she knew how under the circumstances.

“Many of our fears are tissue paper thin and a single courageous step would carry us through them.” – KMH

She survived it all; fear, alcoholism, abuse and death until she could no longer close her eyes and be witness to the pain anymore. Dementia crept in slowly at first until she was no longer the woman I knew her to be. It is a slower death to the person and the family then choosing to die. I write choosing because I believe we choose our life experiences and all that we want to learn in life from our parents, our children, the place of birth, family and friends as well.

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We are born to love, heal and grow our souls. To love unconditionally all, to forgive, awaken to our truth and our freedom. However, many of us like my mom become frozen in the depths of their fear – their past. They cherish what never was possible because of death, and then cling to their pain daily and stay in the mindset of fear. For many the greatest of fears is death!

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” – Henry David Thoreau

My mom never knew of her greatness. Her entire being became engulfed with too much fear of life and what it could do to her. I saw as a young girl how terrified she was of my dad and how she finally had to walk away from the fear after twenty-five years. When my brother was killed suddenly by a drunk driver on his way home from work, she began her descent into escaping from this world as she knew it. The pain was unbearable, and her grief took her away from my family and me when she chose to leave New York and move back to her hometown in Puerto Rico.

At first, I felt abandoned, actually for years I felt that she left me. Today, I know it was her grief that she tried to get away from and it had nothing to do with me. Recently, my son told me that he felt that she abandoned him and his siblings as well as, me twenty-six years ago, I was surprised! It is during these types of a moment that forgiveness comes into play. I believe she did what she needed to do at the time to survive the pain. It never helps to take anything someone else does personally. Many have trouble speaking their truth and fear is part of the anxiety of their day. It is all they know and cannot express their feelings. I believe this was true of my mom.

“Motherhood is … difficult and … rewarding …” – Gloria Estefan

 

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Recently, I have been thinking about my life with my mom and my thoughts about her as a mom. Today, I know she did the best that she could, and my favorite memory of her was her childish behavior at times and holding hands with her whenever we walked somewhere. I would like to say to her that I understand and I know she loved me in her way but could not handle the pain and fear. I no longer feel abandoned by her actions to move away from my family and me. The greatest sadness I felt at her passing was that she had never met my six grandchildren. Then I think to myself can this be part of the plan that we agreed to at one time in spirit form. It matters not anymore because it is in the past and can never be any other way. I must stay in the present! To do so, I must live out my dreams. These were her choices and as her daughter I respect them. Fear was her choice for her entire life. Had she chosen Love things would have been different. There are not many choices but only two that we all get to choose from. Ask yourself how do you choose to live your life? Is it with fear or love? Fear is the roar of your ego from within. Love is the whisper of God from within. Choose wisely!

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

At this time in my life as a wife, mother, mother-in-law and grandmother I thank my mom for all that I learned from her. I am who I am today because of her choices. I discovered my truth, my passion and who I want to show to the world as a spiritual being bursting with unconditional love to share. There was a time twelve years ago when I asked her to come back to New York and live with me. She refused! She believed she would ruin my marriage and her fears would destroy her and me. That was when dementia climbed into her mind and settled in for the journey. I thank God for this life experience with my mom, and I am forever grateful that I chose her.

Today, as a woman, I am blessed to know I have always been able to live by my strength and beliefs. I feel sad that my mom never knew how strong she was and that she loved me unconditionally and I had never realized it before. I always believed that I was a teacher to my children as all moms are. I was setting an example which I hope today they can realize themselves. Mothering a child is about unconditional love because loving them as they are is key to their fulfillment.

“Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” – Robert Browning

My mom never tried to change me, nor did she try to influence me in any way to be different than I was. I can hear her voice if I close my eyes and listen to how proud she was of me as a mom and wife. I am happy to write that was a great lesson for me to learn from her. Today, during this month of May when we celebrate our mothers, I wish to say to mine, “thank you, mom!” Take a moment and say this simple prayer as well … “thank you, mom!”

 

Pray! Meditate! Journal!

www.LindaAmato.com

 

Being A Conscious Woman

“Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.”-Leo Tolstoy

As we approach the yearly day set aside to celebrate all the moms in the world, let’s extend love to all the women of the world! As we are born from our mom it is that aspect that we honor. We as women are sacred because we give life, we nurture and nourish. Our bodies are the temple to the children who choose us.  How have we forgotten our greatness? How have we forgotten our truth? How did  we become victims of a society that we as the temples of life gave birth to?

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” –    Nora Ephron

Being an avid reader and student of life I find it extremely upsetting to be reading the stories of abuse, fear, guilt, shame and women that feel they are victims today because of their relationship with their mother. We are more than that when we accept our truth, live our truth and gather together as community.  When we share our stories, we heal. When we forgive ourselves, we heal. When we choose to forgive our moms, we heal. When we honor our moms because within we know they did the best they could, we heal. As a society of healed women our daughters will become the goddesses they are born to be.

“Go ahead unleash your INNER GODDESS today. Embrace all that FABULOSITY that is amazing you…”

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Recently, I attended a gathering of women with my youngest daughter that allowed me to heal from that which no longer served me. The simple pain of a mom who did the best she could because of her own mothers fears, allowed me to do even better. I chose to be a conscious mother raising my children. There was an intuitive guidance that I received! A knowing to love unconditionally because I was setting an example. I knew I was being watched. There was this inner belief of mine that I did not own my children and all that was required of me was to listen, support, guide, be present and there for whatever needs were required of me. Even today I have learned that they still need me to be there for them, to simply listen when they need to vent. Being blessed to also be a stay at home mom I loved every aspect of being a mom.

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I have been given the greatest of gifts by my children to know I did them well. I gave to them something that I did not receive from my mom but which I am aware today she never received  from her mom! I forgive myself for at one time judging her. Today, I forgive her for not being able to do as I needed her to do. I thank her for teaching me to be the mom I am today.

“A Goddess is a Woman Who Breaks The Mold. She’s Who She Wants To Be … And She Offers No Apologies.” -Lisa Marie Rosati

Life seems to be like a Ferris wheel that we all get on as women because of how we were raised. We need to know we can get off the Ferris wheel and remember who we are, not who we have been told to be. As a society we need to love our children especially our daughters unconditionally because they are also the mothers of our grandchildren! As a mother of two sons as well, I am aware of their love for me, and the tenderness and love they possess for the women in their lives. They will be fathers of my granddaughters that will be a goddess of tomorrow! I am witness to the fact that I have done well by them.

“It takes someone really brave to be a mother, Someone strong to raise a child, And someone special to Love someone more than herself. -Lilly

Ask yourself what example of love have you provided to your daughters? Has it been a conditional love of punishment and abuse or an unconditional love of joy, acceptance, support and encouragement! Release that which no longer serves you because it is not your truth. Share your inner being of love with your daughter no matter what it takes from you to release your fears. Be honest when you reflect on what type of mom you are when it comes to your daughter. Maybe it is time to forgive yourself for the choices you made in the past to connect with your daughter again.

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“Our daughters are the most precious of our treasures, the dearest possessions of our homes, and the objects of our most watchful love. -Margaret E. Sangster

Born in 1951 I am of the first generation that was not breast-fed due to the invention of formula. Could that have been the beginning of daughters separating from their moms. The relinquishing of truly being nourished at the breast of our mothers because society deemed it healthier to buy formula! I chose to breast feed my children and I am happy to see the young women of today returning to this simple true connection to their babies.

I believe we as women need to return to the belief that we are goddesses. We are perfect in the bodies we have. We truly possess a beauty because we are the temples for life. We must love our temples for we are setting an example for our daughters. There is no women’s body that is too skinny or too fat. Our bodies are beautiful no matter what shape they are in. My motto is to find that which creates freedom of thought.

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“Calm and still is the water, no birds are in the air, the sun rises slowly to its peak. Trees stand tall, ever so strong, love is never wrong.” -Linda Amato (1994)

I wish all the women of the world a very happy and loving Goddess Day!

Meditate! Pray! Journal!

www.lindaamato.com

 

LA BELIEVES

In honor of Mother’s Day… IAM filled with the emotion of love for all children and mothers. Mothers as well as children come with all different beliefs. As we are all brought up by a mother who was brought up by her mother who was brought up by her mother and so it goes. Fears and demons of the journey are gifted from mom to mom as they say. We develop a pattern in life to survive the issues as if we were blinded in discovering that which would set us free. Abandonment, Abuse, Despair filled with guilt, shame, grief and lies leads us to develop attachment and illusion on the journey. Know that God is Love and Love is God. God is within waiting for you to call Him and ask for help. We are given “free will” on the journey to know our truth, to discover we are gifted with a purpose and passion. We are born to learn from each other to forgive, love and know there is a reason for everything. Forgiveness is that which we release and which sets us free. On this Mother’s Day let us release that which no longer serves us as we pray to God to enlighten our journey with our passions, purpose and freedom. Know that your mom has done the best she knew how to do only because each of us are taught by another. If you were raised in a loving home, supported and encouraged to spread your wings and fly, then share the love! PRAY.  MEDITATE. JOURNAL. www.LindaAmato.com