THE MEMORY OF HER HANDS

 

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“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage…” – Lao Tzu

I am amazed at the thoughts and images that pop into my mind since the passing of my mom. It is shattering to realize the truth of death, the final vision of the person I loved. It is three months the day after Mother’s Day as her ashes sit on my mantel. Her wish to be placed in the water on the way out East that we travel in our boat. Still, I am not ready to let her go again. It comforts me her being here even if it is just her ashes. This process is a sharp cut to my heart; death, ashes, placing them in the water! Emotionally even if in my heart I know she stands right by me on the other side of the veil.

“Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life.” – Sophocles

For some reason, it is her hands that I remember most. I can picture in my mind her slender fingers, manicured nails. Later in life, she would hold her index fingers up crippled from arthritis. So crooked she would tell me they hurt as she tried to straighten them but couldn’t. I can remember we held hands whenever we were walking side by side somewhere. Our fingers laced together – her fingers so cool to the touch I now recall.

As her daughter, I am witness to seeing her in me at times. A flash of insight or quick look or glance in a mirror as I walk pass. I smile at these times to myself, that yes I am her child. Sometimes the simple way I sit when watching television or drink from a cup recalls to mind a picture of her. She was twenty years older than me. I can remember her as an amazingly young woman at heart.

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Since her transition, I have been delving into my life growing up with her as my mom. I’ve asked a few questions of myself and have come to know some interesting aspects of her and who I was to her before the onset of dementia. As a metaphysical practitioner, I know of the power we possess to manifest our lives by our thoughts, words, and actions. We are powerful in manifesting everything we want and do not want in our daily lives. We do not realize the strength of our personal beliefs.

Metaphysically dementia’s probable cause and belief is a refusal to deal with the world as it is. Hopelessness and anger. If only my mom had chosen to believe she was in her perfect place and that she was safe, I wonder how free she would have been of her nightmares all of these years. Her anger was part of her fear that she imagined due to the losses in her life.

I only recall the stories she chose to share of her childhood, her belief in God and for years her nightly reciting of the rosary. Not having a wealthy upbringing and being one of nine children during a very different time in life than how she raised me, I praise her today for doing the best she knew how under the circumstances.

“Many of our fears are tissue paper thin and a single courageous step would carry us through them.” – KMH

She survived it all; fear, alcoholism, abuse and death until she could no longer close her eyes and be witness to the pain anymore. Dementia crept in slowly at first until she was no longer the woman I knew her to be. It is a slower death to the person and the family then choosing to die. I write choosing because I believe we choose our life experiences and all that we want to learn in life from our parents, our children, the place of birth, family and friends as well.

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We are born to love, heal and grow our souls. To love unconditionally all, to forgive, awaken to our truth and our freedom. However, many of us like my mom become frozen in the depths of their fear – their past. They cherish what never was possible because of death, and then cling to their pain daily and stay in the mindset of fear. For many the greatest of fears is death!

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” – Henry David Thoreau

My mom never knew of her greatness. Her entire being became engulfed with too much fear of life and what it could do to her. I saw as a young girl how terrified she was of my dad and how she finally had to walk away from the fear after twenty-five years. When my brother was killed suddenly by a drunk driver on his way home from work, she began her descent into escaping from this world as she knew it. The pain was unbearable, and her grief took her away from my family and me when she chose to leave New York and move back to her hometown in Puerto Rico.

At first, I felt abandoned, actually for years I felt that she left me. Today, I know it was her grief that she tried to get away from and it had nothing to do with me. Recently, my son told me that he felt that she abandoned him and his siblings as well as, me twenty-six years ago, I was surprised! It is during these types of a moment that forgiveness comes into play. I believe she did what she needed to do at the time to survive the pain. It never helps to take anything someone else does personally. Many have trouble speaking their truth and fear is part of the anxiety of their day. It is all they know and cannot express their feelings. I believe this was true of my mom.

“Motherhood is … difficult and … rewarding …” – Gloria Estefan

 

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Recently, I have been thinking about my life with my mom and my thoughts about her as a mom. Today, I know she did the best that she could, and my favorite memory of her was her childish behavior at times and holding hands with her whenever we walked somewhere. I would like to say to her that I understand and I know she loved me in her way but could not handle the pain and fear. I no longer feel abandoned by her actions to move away from my family and me. The greatest sadness I felt at her passing was that she had never met my six grandchildren. Then I think to myself can this be part of the plan that we agreed to at one time in spirit form. It matters not anymore because it is in the past and can never be any other way. I must stay in the present! To do so, I must live out my dreams. These were her choices and as her daughter I respect them. Fear was her choice for her entire life. Had she chosen Love things would have been different. There are not many choices but only two that we all get to choose from. Ask yourself how do you choose to live your life? Is it with fear or love? Fear is the roar of your ego from within. Love is the whisper of God from within. Choose wisely!

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

At this time in my life as a wife, mother, mother-in-law and grandmother I thank my mom for all that I learned from her. I am who I am today because of her choices. I discovered my truth, my passion and who I want to show to the world as a spiritual being bursting with unconditional love to share. There was a time twelve years ago when I asked her to come back to New York and live with me. She refused! She believed she would ruin my marriage and her fears would destroy her and me. That was when dementia climbed into her mind and settled in for the journey. I thank God for this life experience with my mom, and I am forever grateful that I chose her.

Today, as a woman, I am blessed to know I have always been able to live by my strength and beliefs. I feel sad that my mom never knew how strong she was and that she loved me unconditionally and I had never realized it before. I always believed that I was a teacher to my children as all moms are. I was setting an example which I hope today they can realize themselves. Mothering a child is about unconditional love because loving them as they are is key to their fulfillment.

“Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” – Robert Browning

My mom never tried to change me, nor did she try to influence me in any way to be different than I was. I can hear her voice if I close my eyes and listen to how proud she was of me as a mom and wife. I am happy to write that was a great lesson for me to learn from her. Today, during this month of May when we celebrate our mothers, I wish to say to mine, “thank you, mom!” Take a moment and say this simple prayer as well … “thank you, mom!”

 

Pray! Meditate! Journal!

www.LindaAmato.com

 

The Sorrow of Loss

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Can it be that we struggle daily to find ourselves? Is it our truth and essence that sits deep within but which we cannot grasp that calls to us? We know of a place that is not here but still there is a loss that stirs our soul to all that we believe in. What is the essence of this loss? Why do we fill with sorrow? Is it of this lifetime or a past lifetime?

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha

Many of us have experienced some form of abuse in our lives but what if this so called abuse is generational? How can we eliminate further emotional, physical or mental abuse from our daughters/sons and their daughter/sons. Abuse is not solely characterized as an issue that only women experience. Yet, we the women of the world carry the cross squarely on our hearts filled with this ache of sorrow and loss. Can this loss that we desire to find be that of emotionally feeling and witnessing unconditional love. Generationally, everyone has done the best they knew how to do but the energy today screams for us to forgive and to love unconditionally. This is the sorrow I write of. This is the loss we all have experienced.

“Poisonous relationships can alter our perception. You can spend many years thinking you’re worthless. But you’re not worthless, you’re unappreciated.” -Steve Maraboli

We as a people, community, society, neighborhood and family are ripe to feel loved. Finally, the past does not fit into the present no longer. Anger, fear, hate, prejudice, criticism and judgment has no place in today’s world because there is too deep a sorrow felt for the loss of yesterday that has been experienced. Love is the present solution for all to release our karma and that which no longer serves us.

“Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” -Louise L. Hay”

img_4234With love as a foundation at this time we will finally know the meaning and truth to the words, “Love your neighbor as you Love yourself!” The sorrow of loss is that many do not know how to love themself because of the pain they have been witness to by abuse in their lives. Abuse fills the heart and mind with the simple thought that, I am not worthy of being loved!” The different forms of abuse a child, young adult, teenager, wife, husband or parent experiences wears the personality down to a deep emptiness that something is missing in life. We try to fill this emptiness with addictions of many kinds and material possessions. However, the soul knows nothing is missing because we are all born as beings of love and light. The love we do not receive because of the generational aspect that pushes forward on its own must be stopped today.

img_4231“Our entire life … Consists ultimately in accepting ourselves as we are.” – Jean Anouih

Abuse has been rampant in many of our lives but no longer is acceptable today. The main tool to release the sorrow of loss at this time is to begin to meditate daily. This simple but profound tool of healing carries the benefit of connecting you to your soul and releasing what no longer serves you. Be aware that your children and their children shall benefit from you consciously ending the sorrow of loss due to abuse of any kind. There is truth in the fact that when you love yourself just as you are, no matter what you have been told by another, you will experience a connection to that part of you that is called your God-self! We are here to like God and to be of service.

Meditate. Pray. Journal.

www.lindaamato.com

www.deborahking.com (to learn how to meditate)

Being A Conscious Woman

“Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.”-Leo Tolstoy

As we approach the yearly day set aside to celebrate all the moms in the world, let’s extend love to all the women of the world! As we are born from our mom it is that aspect that we honor. We as women are sacred because we give life, we nurture and nourish. Our bodies are the temple to the children who choose us.  How have we forgotten our greatness? How have we forgotten our truth? How did  we become victims of a society that we as the temples of life gave birth to?

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” –    Nora Ephron

Being an avid reader and student of life I find it extremely upsetting to be reading the stories of abuse, fear, guilt, shame and women that feel they are victims today because of their relationship with their mother. We are more than that when we accept our truth, live our truth and gather together as community.  When we share our stories, we heal. When we forgive ourselves, we heal. When we choose to forgive our moms, we heal. When we honor our moms because within we know they did the best they could, we heal. As a society of healed women our daughters will become the goddesses they are born to be.

“Go ahead unleash your INNER GODDESS today. Embrace all that FABULOSITY that is amazing you…”

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Recently, I attended a gathering of women with my youngest daughter that allowed me to heal from that which no longer served me. The simple pain of a mom who did the best she could because of her own mothers fears, allowed me to do even better. I chose to be a conscious mother raising my children. There was an intuitive guidance that I received! A knowing to love unconditionally because I was setting an example. I knew I was being watched. There was this inner belief of mine that I did not own my children and all that was required of me was to listen, support, guide, be present and there for whatever needs were required of me. Even today I have learned that they still need me to be there for them, to simply listen when they need to vent. Being blessed to also be a stay at home mom I loved every aspect of being a mom.

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I have been given the greatest of gifts by my children to know I did them well. I gave to them something that I did not receive from my mom but which I am aware today she never received  from her mom! I forgive myself for at one time judging her. Today, I forgive her for not being able to do as I needed her to do. I thank her for teaching me to be the mom I am today.

“A Goddess is a Woman Who Breaks The Mold. She’s Who She Wants To Be … And She Offers No Apologies.” -Lisa Marie Rosati

Life seems to be like a Ferris wheel that we all get on as women because of how we were raised. We need to know we can get off the Ferris wheel and remember who we are, not who we have been told to be. As a society we need to love our children especially our daughters unconditionally because they are also the mothers of our grandchildren! As a mother of two sons as well, I am aware of their love for me, and the tenderness and love they possess for the women in their lives. They will be fathers of my granddaughters that will be a goddess of tomorrow! I am witness to the fact that I have done well by them.

“It takes someone really brave to be a mother, Someone strong to raise a child, And someone special to Love someone more than herself. -Lilly

Ask yourself what example of love have you provided to your daughters? Has it been a conditional love of punishment and abuse or an unconditional love of joy, acceptance, support and encouragement! Release that which no longer serves you because it is not your truth. Share your inner being of love with your daughter no matter what it takes from you to release your fears. Be honest when you reflect on what type of mom you are when it comes to your daughter. Maybe it is time to forgive yourself for the choices you made in the past to connect with your daughter again.

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“Our daughters are the most precious of our treasures, the dearest possessions of our homes, and the objects of our most watchful love. -Margaret E. Sangster

Born in 1951 I am of the first generation that was not breast-fed due to the invention of formula. Could that have been the beginning of daughters separating from their moms. The relinquishing of truly being nourished at the breast of our mothers because society deemed it healthier to buy formula! I chose to breast feed my children and I am happy to see the young women of today returning to this simple true connection to their babies.

I believe we as women need to return to the belief that we are goddesses. We are perfect in the bodies we have. We truly possess a beauty because we are the temples for life. We must love our temples for we are setting an example for our daughters. There is no women’s body that is too skinny or too fat. Our bodies are beautiful no matter what shape they are in. My motto is to find that which creates freedom of thought.

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“Calm and still is the water, no birds are in the air, the sun rises slowly to its peak. Trees stand tall, ever so strong, love is never wrong.” -Linda Amato (1994)

I wish all the women of the world a very happy and loving Goddess Day!

Meditate! Pray! Journal!

www.lindaamato.com

 

LA BELIEVES IN LOVE

Today I reflect on my life and all that I have experienced. Who am I? Where am I gong? How did I get to this page? The questions of my mind are constant and fill me with comfort. It has been a journey. Remarkable – yes! It seems it has been my path to live by choice to discover and heal from the experiences of yesterday.

Interesting word ‘heal,’ what do I need to heal from? An interesting question to ponder. Growing up in the charm of a simple life mixed with alcoholism and mental illness helped me to get here I believe. I was clueless of fear or that something was wrong growing up. After all, I was a child who loved to read and write. I wanted to grow up to be a teacher. The words of yesterday were completely different to the ones many of us use today. I can imagine how filled with fear the children are today to hear of the labels we as a society constantly speak of; drugs, addictions, anger, war, death and fear.

I was blessed to be an at home mom and play with my children conscious of our time together. In the future will the absence of parents today because of money issues and children being raised outside of their home by others show us one day of a misplaced void in life. Can the mass amount of toys and electronics stop the desire for imagination to develop so a child can find who they want to be.

The simplicity of yesterday for me had been reading, writing, coloring, playing with dolls, going to the park, swimming and playing outside, riding a bicycle and watching my brother play stick ball or stoop ball. The games of yesterday were mingled with fresh air and the beauty of Mother Nature daily. My family walked everywhere because my dad never owned a car or had a drivers license. We took neighborhood walks all the time as well.

In reflection, on how I was raised enables me to be grateful for the parents I chose and thankful that we honored our contracts. Interesting word ‘contracts’ one might ask! My belief is that I chose my parents to learn from them, which I honestly believe I have. Our contracts equal my life today and all that I was given. Today I believe there was no abandonment as I felt in the past but more that there was a reason for everything.

My look within has taken me to an understanding that my dad and mom sacrificed for me their desires and needs for my growth. My dad was abandoned at a young age, classified suicidal, manic-depressant and alcoholic for the seventy years he was here. In my eyes he was the wisest of men. The torch he handed me to run with was unconditional love, belief in myself and a desire to find my inner wisdom. I learned from this wise man that I called dad that anything is possible and that we are here to help one another and yet society told me he was crazy.

My mom empowered me to be stronger than she could ever be because of her fears which I imagine were all handed down to her. Her gift to me was that we are all one and no one is better than anyone else. I learned to not criticize or judge but to accept everyone as they are.

In this blog, I will share all the believable alternatives that I discovered during my life that has allowed me to nourish myself and grow to who I am today. I look forward to comments and in some way that you reflect on your journey and discover your gifts and lessons learned.

Meditate. Journal. Pray.
www.LindaAmato.com

LA Believes in Loving Life

 My journey this lifetime has been one amazing ride. At times I feel I don’t know myself or that I question how I believe as I do. I feel filled with a vast supply of love which can only be expressed by me as unconditional. My past has struggled, stumbled and attacked me in many ways however, today I know that which filled me with despair was a lesson to learn from.

As an avid reader my entire life I realize every book I have ever read had its purpose on my journey. My path  is scattered with books  from biographies, religions, self-help, fiction and non-fiction but I treasure the stories on spirituality today more than any other. These are the books that whisper to me during the day, at night and in my dreams. I have learned to heal the wounded inner child of my past through these books. 

Living Beyond The Five Senses is such a book that needs to be read by anyone who wants to know their path to becoming the spiritual being you were born to remember. Know that there is a reason for everything and that there are no accidents. Teresa L. DeCicco writes, “the simple act of noticing one’s own thoughts is a big step toward transforming spiritually.” I give this book 5stars. 

Pray. Meditate. Journal.

www.LindaAmato.com

LA BELIEVES …

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Dream – Awaken – Dream

Right now at this moment in time IAM a woman with many dreams to fulfill. It is all I can do to contain myself as I wait, but what am I waiting for? It is the virtue of patience that IAM very good at, mixed with a lot of endurance. It is with this acceptance that I live my life and acknowledge all that is to be. IAM not a child but a woman who has lived a life that was never ever questioned by me. One of my gifts is to pick myself up by connecting to my God-self. The first dream on this amazing journey of my life was to begin to question who I was which opened a door that led me to a path that stirred the passions of my own purpose. I wonder today if I can be other than a published author? Do I have what it takes to help another through the written word or by my speech and actions? My motto is that I believe anything is possible once we choose to make a difference in life. However, one cannot do anything at all without God!

I look back on the past sixty-two years of my existence that was sheltered but very comfortable and familiar with the love of my family and friends. Basically, IAM an introvert, a loner who dreams in the vastness of my own imagination. Yet, IAM a seeker of knowledge today who strives to share with all how powerful we are. I find that others can be very judgmental, mean and hurtful towards me that makes me slip silently back to yesterday and agree with them. Then I remember who IAM because in the pit of my stomach lies a pulse that quickens and tells me to stay true to self – for they do not know.

Unconditional love means accepting each and everyone as they are to walk their own journey, make their own choices and being aware that no one knows what is best for another in any situation. Difficult, yes, but the only way to allow one to connect to their God-self. The ego fills us with fear! Roaring at us about everything that does not matter. God fills us with love! Whispering like a feather that floats by that He rests within. Ego takes us outside of ourselves. God leads us within to where He is.

My path is moving or shifting in a few months and I truly do not know where IAM headed but I trust God does. Another may say that IAM courageous and strong but I think IAM curious to see all that I can accomplish; whether it be through the written word of my writing as in blogging, publishing another book, traveling, educating myself further or just meeting interesting people and simply belonging somewhere other than the memories of yesterday. I have learned to take the good memories because I believe they have brought me to this page but its so easy to slip back into silence. IAM walking away from the life of silence to survive. Yesterday can no longer be for me. It is the new day that I await with love to guide me. To know and understand that IAM following that which is offered by the universe allows me to let go of worry. I truly trust and believe that there is a process to life. Today I look at my life as an existence that has its own strength and IAM simply a form to be used to live this life. 

Only I can live this life! No one has the right to silence anyone, harm anyone or even try to degrade another in anyway. The spirit of love and peace fills my spirit. There are no regrets, no fears but only the truth of my self as I connect with all that is. There is a vastness to life that is besides all our journeys as if we are living a dream. Along the journey of life we must awaken from the dream and know our truth to survive. 

Pray, Meditate, Journal.

www.LindaAmato.com

LA. Believes

Today is my mom’s 82nd birthday! She has dementia! I have been wondering how is it possible to erase ones mind?

I believe that the fear, guilt, shame, grief and lies experienced on the journey of life begins slowly to erase that which is too painful to endure. Death which many fear simply because of the loss of a loved one’s touch, the grief of never seeing them or just the emptiness that comes with their physical body disappearing from our sight creates an ache that is inconsolable.

In my mom’s life experience as one of nine children growing up, at a very young age she was witness to death and grief as her siblings died one by one. Her mother wore her grief for everyone to see by wearing black clothes for her entire life, empty now and filled with pain because she was in mourning for her children. Laughter was not allowed because there was sorrow to endure. The ache that grew in my grandmothers heart would detach her from the living. Truly we are taught many lessons from one another as I have been able to learn.

My mom was taught well by her mom and never deviated from the lessons. Fear was her greatest class and she feared life to an extreme that devoured her own existence. First the incomprehension of a husband that was alcoholic and manic-depressant which terrified her and whom she finally ran away from, then her son and first born dying unexpectedly at 38 years of age by a drunk driver, her first grandson being murdered at the age of 23 and then her healthy husband dying of colon cancer 8 years ago. Today, I thank God that she has found a path of her own to continue to live without her fears. She is childlike now as she is cared for and plays dominoes daily! Clueless to who she is, where she is or what she has lived through.

Yesterday, though I was emotionally angry and feeling abandoned by her. I felt deep disappointment that she does not know me, my four children or my four grandchildren. She has missed so much and we have missed so much of her wisdom. I have dug deep within to make sense of this world she now lives in and delighted in the memories of moments from the past. I had laughed, cried, shopped, and walking holding hands with her. I had listened to her childhood stories over and over again, as well as the nightmares she carried from those years married to my father. I had journeyed with a woman I called mom and whom I loved unconditionally and still do. I am grateful to her and all I have learned from her.

Yes, I would love to share with her my becoming a grandmother but when I think back on my own childhood I never knew my grandparents but yet I know of them through her own stories. Mom, I promise you that I shall share your stories, your fears, your innocence with your grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

We are all here to love one another no matter what we assume another has done to us in any way or that which has created any form of pain. However, we all have free will to choose how we want to live and who we want to be. I choose to forgive, forget that which cannot be changed and love my mom as she was and how she is today.

www.makingbelievers.com

www.believablealternatives.com

LA Believes

There is a very thin line I am experiencing between the demons of the first three chakras; fear, guilt and shame when it comes to being held accountable in life to the passions of the soul. I ask are these mine to claim or are they projected upon me? We live in a society where fear, guilt and shame are expected as a part of our life experience. I reject this belief! I AM fearless! I  AM guiltless! I AM shameless! There can be no other avenue in my mind at this time.

Whether one is man or women it matters not what is taught or gifted to us by our parents, friends, family, or society. If any of it fills us with fear, guilt or shame we must ask ourselves is it truly ours or is this a projection of how we have been raised or taught to accept as our life experience. 

The soul knows best of the passions that will nourish each of us daily. Whether it be our foundation and connection to Mother Nature, the need to create through any form of art that fills us with joy as we move with the flow of life forward and to stand in our own power to know who we are and walk the path we have been guided on is the essence within that is sacred to all individually.

Acceptance of our journey allows a belief that we accept and respect another’s journey by offering unconditional love. It seems such a simple belief to say and know in your heart, ” I love you just as you are!” However, few can truly know this feeling within themselves if they never reject their own fear, guilt and shame. I ask of all to look within and find the love for oneself as you are first so that you can begin to love another truly. Let’s project the feeling of LOVE onto one another!

Just let it go … Meditate … Journal … Pray … Walk … Affirm